So, since Tuesday afternoon I have felt at more peace and much more happy than I have in months! This past semester at school has been very rough. We got a new orchestra director and a new violin teacher. Well, I really enjoy working with the orchestra director but the violin teacher I wasn't sure about. You see, I've had 4 different teachers the past 4 years. That in itself was difficult. I only really learned from 2 of those teachers.
I've been very depressed this semester, I'm not at peace, really just miserable. I can't play very well anymore, all the confidence I had in my playing ability was gone. I don't know if this works with all musicians but without my confidence I am a nothing. The new teacher didn't suit very well. For some reason we didn't get along very well. I felt like my playing was getting worse not better. And I wasn't getting the help, with encouragement, that I need. I couldn't make myself not take lessons next semester, it didn't seem fair to not sign up for lessons.
I had been praying for about a month asking God what I should do, what do I do next semester, but I didn't have an answer...
So, after much anxiety I went in Tuesday morning for my jury; playing before a panel of music professors who judge your progress since last semester, it's part of your grade. Anyway I was playing something VERY simple. But I played it terribly, and I'm not just saying that, it was terrible. When I left I was very distraught and wanted to cry. I went to work and decided that I was done, I wasn't going to take lessons at the U next semester. I still wanted to cry, but I felt a little better. I finally had a chance to call mom and tell her what I had decided. She told me that she agreed with me and what God had been telling her about the situation. After I hung up with her I felt much, much better. I felt confident in my decision and that I had done the right thing.
Now, a little rabbit trail :) I had been listening to
Timeless Treasures 2. Listening to the work I had done on it and wondering why I couldn't play like that anymore, what was wrong with me. It was a little hard to listen to, knowing I didn't sound like that anymore... now, mind you it's not perfect, nor was it easy to do, ask Dave, 100 and some takes on one song.... but it was possibly the best I've done and it was to God.
So, I went over to Mom and Dad's that evening for my hug :) I was telling Mom about my confidence and how it was gone and I needed it back. It's the one thing that I missed the most. And then she told me something that made a huge difference. She says that "the gifts and callings of God are without repentance". God doesn't take away a gift. And I realized that I had been scared, worried that it was gone, never to return. That maybe I had been brushed aside, not needed anymore. That God was done with my gift or just decided he didn't need it, and my ability to play was gone. But that's not true, it's still there, waiting for God's to use it. I just need to make it ready. It won't be easy, getting back the confidence I lost and once again having the ability to play, really play again. I miss it, I wasn't perfect, and I won't ever be perfect in my music. But as long as I am a ready and willing vessel God will use me, and the gift that he gave me is His to use as he sees fit.
So, with all that said, I just wanted to share the peace that God gave me and the story behind it. Hopefully now that I don't have all that on my mind, I'll have more time to post :)
For those of you who are wondering, yes I will still be doing orchestra at the U, I am also taking a conducting course, and possibly playing viola in a quartet, no I don't know how to play viola that's part of the fun of it :) As for lessons there is a lady that I took lessons from about 8 years ago and again this summer that said she would teach me again, at the expensive of her little time to herself. So, I am going to give her a call after the holidays and everything should be good again :)
It if you got through all that and understand what I was saying "bravo to you!"
